Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
