He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
