So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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