when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
