I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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