hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
