I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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