we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
