he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
