I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
