i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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