Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
