"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
