brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
too bad you live with your parents still
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
