why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
