dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
