Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I think pants incapable of making pants work
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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