My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
