guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
