The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
God I need to hump something, right now.
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