Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize