oh god the rape fog is back!
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I didn't notice because vodka
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
