i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
