i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
