I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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