it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize