I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Small penises have feelings too.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Randomize
