new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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