seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
