Already got asked if we're dating
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
