someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
