I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
