My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
