We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
