Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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