Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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