remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
They are going to name an STD after you.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
