I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
