i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
