I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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