I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize