There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
