community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
