then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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