i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
