so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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