Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize