so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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