I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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