Please, let me fuck your mom
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
