$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
