3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
