Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
