I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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