I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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