I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
