life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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