As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
