I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
