i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
what is it with giant penises always finding me
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
