Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
