No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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