I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
