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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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