I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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