hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
