we're blogging at a bar
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
