She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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