Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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