Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
