is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You made out with two different species that night
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
